Can Men and Women Really Be Friends

Yes, if both people are open and honest with each other

‘I’ll be there for you’

Sheri Bayne of Allentown, Michael Chaffier of Northampton, Lisa Flores-Rodriguez of Fountain Hill (also at far right), Lori Starnes of Macungie and Marshall Walters of Lehighton (standing) are real-life “Friends.” Their longstanding group began as a weekly dinner club. “If I need to chat or want to go out, I can always call one of them,” Starnes says. “It isn’t about dating; it’s about connecting with people who have common interests.”

Monica and Chandler, Harry and Sally, Sam and Diane—they all started as friends, but couldn’t stay that way. Blame it on sexual tension, jealousy or simply Mars and Venus. Men and women can’t be just friends, right?

Wrong. “There can be friendship chemistry without sexual chemistry,” says Rick Drabic, Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network clinical social worker. What’s more, men and women should be friends. “It’s not like the old days of defined roles, when we got together only for love and marriage,” says Drabic’s colleague, social worker Gail Lutsky. “Today, men and women work together, have shared interests and mingle more.”

Benefits for both
Men and women are different, and that’s good for friendship. “Men tend to gather for activities, while women gather to discuss life,” Drabic says. The benefit for men: “We can discuss our thoughts and feelings with a female friend, something we don’t do with the guys.” In return, women get a “big brother” and a glimpse into the male mind, says social worker Tina Koehler of Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network. “Having different perspectives enhances everyone’s personal growth,” she says.

Even if you’re married, it’s healthy to befriend the opposite sex—as long as your best friend is your spouse. “One person can’t possibly be everything to you,” says Koehler’s colleague, social worker Tom Miller. “Say you love bowling and your mate doesn’t. A friend can fill that void.”

Overcoming the challenges
When a man and woman get together, there’s always the potential for sexual tension. If your friend wants romance and you’re involved elsewhere, the answer is a clear “no.” “But if you’re single,” Lutsky says, “you have to decide if it’s worth it to take the relationship to that level.”

In any case, honesty is key.

First, define the friendship. “Ask yourself, ‘What role does this person play in my life?’ ” Drabic says. Maybe it’s the person you “vent” to about work, or go running with, or call when you need a pep talk.

Then communicate your expectations. Decide how much time you want to spend together and under what circumstances. “True friends are able to accept boundaries,” Miller says. A red flag: If you find yourself confiding in your friend instead of your mate, it’s time to review your priorities.

So, you’ve done everything right and your mate is still jealous. “Ask, ‘What bothers you about this friendship?’ ” Koehler says. “Maybe there’s something you don’t see, or your partner just needs to get to know your friend better. Listen to each other and work together on resolving the issue.”

As for gossip, “It happens,” Lutsky says. “But the truth becomes obvious over time. Know yourself, choose your friends wisely and be secure in your friendships.”

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